Two concepts I’m not sure I believe in anymore: “being true to yourself” and “living up to your potential.”
These are the foundations of my upbringing, the warm and fuzzy ideals of humanistic psychology. Perhaps many middle-class children of the 80s and 90s can relate. Be true to yourself! You are special! Follow your heart!
But who am I? What is the self, and is it something worth being true to? And why should I try to actualize this self, if I can define it at all?
It doesn’t make sense anymore. The self is a construction, an interaction of experiences and brain structures, always changing. A brain injury could destroy the memories and preferences and abilities that define this self. Even new experiences alone can cause significant changes in the brain. The self grows; it changes; it is not anything I can easily define or contain.
Be true to yourself. Be true to what? To this version of yourself, frozen at this point in time? To an interpretation of what you believe the self to be?
Live up to your potential. What, the potential of your genetic inheritance? Or the potential of all the abilities you have developed so far, based on your life experiences?
I used to believe in these ideas so firmly. I carried a heavy burden as a result, because I was trying to uphold standards that were ambiguous, ever-changing, and ultimately unattainable.
Part of growing up is realizing that much of our worldview has been founded on fairy tales. And realizing that we may not be able to replace that foundation with anything solid at all.
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February 2, 2010 at 12:58 pm
millie
whoa. yeah the self is ever-changing. and like a lot of other things, it’s never going to be defined beyond your interpretation of it. all that means to me is you need to constantly reevaluate. be true to whatever self you currently feel. and don’t let your potential be a burden. of course it’s important to be challenged, and to force yourself outside your comfort zone more often than might seem comfortable. but ultimately i think it’s really important to be kind to yourself, otherwise anxiety can become paralyzing.
hey let’s grab some lunch or tea or something sometime soon.
February 3, 2010 at 12:09 am
cheerfulnihilist
I agree, constantly re-evaluating is what I love to do.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my ramblings. Let’s hang out soon for sure!
February 3, 2010 at 12:22 am
Ben
Interesting. I’ve had a related disillusionment with the idea of “living up to your potential.” I agree it can feel like a burden and doesn’t make a lot of sense on careful examination. It also feels attached to American Dream-style, careerist garbage like “anyone can be President” or “everyone can succeed with enough hard work and determination.”
I feel quite different about “be true to yourself.” It’s interesting that you view it as a burden because to me it’s a license. My whole life I thought I had to conform to the way society is, to other people’s expectations. To me, “be true to yourself” says fuck that, I can judge for myself what’s right and wrong, and I’m gonna do what I feel like. I’m gonna be indifferent to other people’s approval or disapproval. And when I think that I feel liberated, not burdened.
So to me, being true to myself isn’t about interpreting or defining who I am. It’s about shifting the locus of control from external stimuli and other people’s opinions to the internal jumble of experiences, brain structures, memories, preferences, and abilities you reference. And to me that’s positive. I couldn’t care less if I have a self-destroying brain injury tomorrow.
February 3, 2010 at 12:37 am
Ben
One other thought: I do agree that growing up I was told to “be true to yourself,” and that what many people meant by it can be burdensome. Many people really meant “be like this, this is what a ‘true’ person is and what a ‘true’ person does.”
But now I’m older, and more and more I feel empowered to do what I feel like regardless of other people’s opinions and advice for me.
But who am I? I don’t think that’s a question that can be answered through any parent or teacher or book or guru, only by living long enough and spending enough time alone without distractions.
February 3, 2010 at 3:05 am
Carla Berkley
I have enjoyed and respected you for living well what seems to me to be a principled life. Over the years, I have grown closer to living my principles, and have grown more contented with my life. When I am living a life more removed from my principles, it grates on me and I am more dissatisfied with myself. My values do change and become clearer over time, but not by as much as one would think.
As a child, I was always told I wasn’t living up to my potential. As an adult, I tried to push myself to achieve. I pushed myself so much so that I didn’t recognize the debilitating stress I was putting on myself with serious consequence. Now, I try to accept my limitations, as well as, my strengths (that also change over time).